Celebrating “Green” for Valentine’s Day: How Our Nervous System Influences Connection with Our Sweetheart
It is once again that time of year when we celebrate love with pinks, reds, and whites. Romantic love is often marked by exchanged roses, special reservations, and a renewed exploration of connection with our sweetheart. This Valentine’s Day, I would like to propose a new “color system” to help us reflect on our own experience of romantic connectedness.
Have you ever noticed your emotional response to a situation feeling disproportionate to what is actually happening? Maybe you are aware your reaction feels over the top, yet shifting gears feels impossible. Or perhaps you understand, rationally, what you should be doing, but behaving differently feels inaccessible in the moment.
I was reminded of this recently when I noticed myself feeling angry about my husband turning off a lamp. Yes, a lamp. I felt irrationally irritated that he did not ask whether I still needed the light, as this was our typical nighttime routine. I was simultaneously aware of how unreasonable this felt. With some reflection, I realized parts of me were needing care and were expecting my husband to express that care through his communication about turning off the light. When I perceived a lack of care, I protested through frustration. After talking this through together, I can confidently say there have been no further lamp incidents.
Many of us experience these kinds of disproportionate responses for a variety of reasons and circumstances. I see this dynamic especially often in partner relationships. Responding unfavorably to our partner, or perceiving emotional walls or guardedness, can be a helpful indicator of how connected we feel. Our emotional responses to our partner’s behavior often reflect our internal experience of safety, both within the relationship and within our nervous system.
I was introduced to the stoplight metaphor during my continued training in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is geared toward healing couple relationships. Since then, I have embraced this metaphor with my couples and refer to it often when exploring experiences of romantic connection.
When we think of a stoplight, we instinctively understand the meaning of each color: red, yellow, and green. I encourage couples to apply this same color system to their relational experiences and their capacity for connection.
Green: When we are in green brain, we experience an overall sense of physical and emotional safety with our partner. This state is often marked by emotional vulnerability, satisfaction with needs being met, and a genuine desire to care for our partner. When our partner is struggling, we are able to approach their experience with curiosity and offer support.
Yellow: Yellow brain emerges when our nervous system perceives reduced safety or ongoing patterns of disconnection. In this state, we often become vigilant and unsure whether our needs will be heard or met. Our caregiving capacity tends to go offline, and instead of offering care, we may move toward defensiveness or guardedness. In yellow, partners often find themselves fighting for connection.
Red: Red brain occurs when we have remained in yellow for too long. Our nervous system is not designed to sustain prolonged vigilance. Over time, this can lead to relational burnout, which may show up as apathy toward our partner’s needs or indifference to connection. In red, partners may begin to consider leaving the relationship as a way to regain regulation and safety.
Remember my irritation about the lamp? That was my nervous system shifting into yellow. Rather than expressing my need for care or reaching for my husband in a regulated and vulnerable way, I protested through anger. This reaction served as an important signal to both of us that some needs were going unmet and that repair was needed to help our nervous systems return to green.
This Valentine’s Day, I invite you to reflect on what color your nervous system tends to inhabit in your romantic relationship. If you notice patterns of yellow or red, this is not a sign of failure or doom. Rather, it is information. It is an invitation for repair. Repair may look like vulnerably reaching for your partner and naming how you have been showing up in yellow or red. If that feels too difficult to navigate on your own, working with a therapist to facilitate this process can be a meaningful way to help your relationship find green this season.
A Closing Reflection
As you move through this season of love, consider gently noticing your own nervous system in moments of connection and disconnection. Ask yourself what feels safe, what feels activated, and what might be longing for care or reassurance. Small moments of awareness and repair can create meaningful shifts over time. Connection is not about staying green all the time, but about recognizing when we have drifted and finding our way back to one another with compassion.
Written By: Lauren Salazar, MA, LMFT, LAC