Winning the War Within

I frequently help my clients explore and process the parts of themselves that protect them, as well as the parts that are hidden due to hurt. I, too, have my own protective and wounded parts that I’ve worked on through therapy and continue to explore through self-reflection.

Even in my own journey, I have parts that still show up—sometimes when I’d rather they didn’t. I can get confused about which parts are showing up and why. But when I slow down and step back, I can often figure out what’s happening within my internal system.

To be vulnerable and offer a bit of self-disclosure, I have a part of me that wants to win. At first glance, you might assume this part is simply competitive. And while I do have a fun, competitive side, this part goes deeper.

The part that wants to win protects me from feeling small and inadequate. It helps me feel empowered and worthy. It desperately wants others to know that I am enough. It wants to be chosen. It wants to be seen.

I genuinely respect this part and honor it when it shows up. It plays a positive role in my life. However, I’ve also noticed its dysfunction—especially in my role as a parent. I’ve realized that I project this part onto my kids. I try to fiercely protect them from feeling small, inadequate, or unworthy, just as I once did.

Now, if my oldest daughter ever reads this, she might feel a little embarrassed—but I think it’s important to share so that this part of me can be better understood.

My daughter is a cheerleader. She’s currently finishing her sophomore year and heading into her junior year. She has worked hard to get where she is, and I’m incredibly proud of her. Of course, I may be a little biased—I think she’s amazing! She is strong, hardworking, kind, and motivated. She is worthy. She is enough.

That doesn’t sound too unusual, right? Most mothers feel this way about their kids.

But this part—the one that wants to win—comes out strong when it comes to her and the world of cheer (especially during tryouts). This part wants everyone to see her—to recognize that she is worthy and enough. I want her to be chosen.

And this part sometimes responds in ways my daughter seriously disapproves of. I ask too many questions, I give unsolicited feedback, I cheerlead her, and I try to coach her into being her own advocate—because this “want to win” part wants to be loud. It even wants to email the coaches far too often. It's trying to protect both her and me—protecting us from the pain of not being chosen, from feeling small.

I’m really working on this. It’s not helpful to her, to me, and it’s certainly not fair to project my own wounds onto her. Finding my own Self energy in these moments is a challenge. I’m not perfect.

But Self understands that I am enough. That I am worthy. And so are my kids. Self is clear, calm, confident, and compassionate.

I hope that by sharing a bit about my own parts, I can help normalize yours. Even therapists struggle with their own internal systems.

 Written By: Cala Ochs, MSW, LCSW