My Costume Mask: More “Trick” than “Treat”

‘Tis the season to put on our coziest sweater, sip a warm drink, and celebrate all the festivities of Fall. Because our family is in the season of raising tiny children, our major Fall celebration involves all the dress-up, Halloween fun October has to offer. Of course, we can expect our kiddos to wear a silly, harmless mask as they pretend to be their favorite character - excitedly gearing up to bring in a large candy haul at the end of the night. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered I’m prone to also wearing a figurative “mask” but mine is worn all year long and with less favorable outcomes.

I grew up as many millennials and other generations before me did. Expectations around respecting my parents and prioritization around obedience were clear - obey or bear the consequence. When I “stepped out of line,” the consequence would range from an unfavorable “warning look” from my parents or something much less inconsequential but the message was the same: I needed to make sure I followed the rules and appease the rule-makers to maintain a sense of relational safety, perceived connection, and peace within my home.

I fully believe my parents were well-intentioned in their style of parenting - they desired to raise a respectful adult. Unfortunately, I learned that “people-pleasing” was a great way of earning validation, relational connection, and peace. I learned that vulnerability or acting upon my needs was less than desirable and often led to disconnect or isolation. However, in stark contrast, prioritizing the needs of others around me led me to feel more “accepted and “loved.”

As one could imagine, I’ve discovered in adulthood that the “people-pleasing” mask is not as efficient as I once believed it to be. I discovered it is nearly impossible to relate to someone that is always smiling, always capable, always “good.” Because failure is inevitable; failure is human. And I think all of us are longing to be loved despite our failures - I know I am. I think many of us need to hear “me too” as we all struggle in the discomfort of the day-to-day. I believe it’s really through the vulnerability of our struggles and our imperfections that we find connection - it’s in the experience of “me too.”

As I’ve engaged in working to heal these parts of me that desire to feel loved unconditionally, I’ve had to embrace failure and what it looks like to honor my needs despite how others may perceive me. I’ve been learning to recognize that my needs matter even if they are not pleasing to others. I’ve continued to learn how to repair when I inevitably fail.

This often looks like listening to the “people-pleasing” mask within me and letting it know that it is acceptable for me to fail - I’m still loved anyway. Maybe that looks like responding honestly if someone asks how I’m doing. Maybe it’s telling my kids that I’m tired and having a hard day too, but it’s not because of them or something they are responsible to change. Or maybe it’s just acknowledging I’m working to be “pleasing” again and considering why that may feel loud for me in the moment. 

I’m working to let go of this mask this season and be more authentic because I’m worthy of love regardless of how I am perceived. It’s a different kind of “scary” that I’m learning to embrace this spooky holiday.

 Written By: Lauren Salazar, MA, LMFT, LAC